Wife vs Wifey: A BIG DIFFERENCE!

Greetings lovely! 

My best friend sent me this article. No doubt in Black culture in America there's a epidemic going on. Men are reaping all the benefits of marriage or a relationship w/o so much of a commitment. Someone tweeted the other day "There are so many women in relationships with single men." Everyone knows what's going on: maybe you have a friend in this situation or maybe you are/have been yourself. We women need to respect our worth and raise our standards. STOP settling for "wifey" but acting like "wife."

xoxo, 
♥ Jojo

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011 | 8:23 AM

Real Talk: Are You His 'Wifey?'

By Demetria L. Lucas

What exactly is a "wifey?"


I was passing my day as usual on Twitter last week and noticed #wifey was a trending topic.

Sigh.

As I attempt to write my thoughts on the subject, my iPad keeps auto-correcting my words, wanting to change every mention of "wifey" to wife.

Ugh.

I push the key to allow all mentions of "wifey" to remain.

"Add to dictionary?" the pop up asks me.

Of course it asks that... why? Because wifey isn't a real word, and definitely not the same as wife.

So can we all stop using that word?

Let everyone's favorite microblogging site tell it and the non-word "wifey" is some sort of superwoman/porn star hybrid who cooks and cleans, rides or dies, and keeps a book open and her legs closed (except for her man, of course). She's also street smart (would never snitch, important to note as this is a street-term somehow gone mainstream), and loyal even to her own detriment (think Tiny, pre-becoming Mrs. TI). It's Method Man spitting love lyrics to Mary on the project roof of "You're All I Need to Get By." Cute at 20. Less so by 25.

In essence, wifey is a pseudo-social rank for an important woman in a man's life, allegedly of greater importance than just another girlfriend. She’s similar to a fiancee, but notably without the pending promise of a marriage or legally binding commitment, i.e., all the expectations/duties of a wife without ever being one. 


I blame boy-group Next for this one. Back in 2000, they introduced the term to the national urban lexicon when they crooned, "Wifey."

Eh... as my forever-married mother, in all her traditional, old-fashioned sensibilities said when I was 20 or so singing along to that song, "What is a wifey?! Wifey? That isn't a wife! If she's so great, why doesn't he make her a wife?”

Then? I didn't really get her outrage. It was a new term. Harmless. Eleven years later? Eek! I'm turning into my mother.

Wifey, for those who have been bamboozled, is the new wife. Turn on a VH1 or Bravo show allegedly about wives, love or hip-hop, and too much of what you find will be long-term girlfriends who carried burdens, and babies, like they were wives. Clearly, a man cared something about them to invest the years, but ultimately they were only wifeys, never wives, even though the title of "wife" may be inappropriately given... perhaps for production purposes of the show.

Wifey is a low bar to set, especially if what you're doing for a man falls under those duties typically fulfilled by a wife. Marriage isn't for everyone, of course. But if it's for you and you're playing wifey, whether you know it or not, you're getting hoodwinked to put in the work without benefiting from the privilege. Wifey is an approximation of a real thing. Wife-like, but not an actual wife.

Raise your standards and while you’re at it, ban the word “wifey” from your lexicon, just like my iPad.


Demetria L. Lucas is the Relationships Editor at ESSENCE and the author of "A Belle in Brooklyn: Your Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life” (Atria) in stores now.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/2011/09/13/real-talk-are-you-his-wifey/#ixzz1YQre6dXl

"Is She Fat Or Thick?"

     If there's one thing I've come to appreciate it's the black man's opinion on the things women worry about the most. It's calming because they have totally different perspectives than we do. The dynamic of a man and woman is something real! I came across this blog post when one of my friends posted the link on her Facebook page. It's written by NC-17 over at Black Girls Are Easy. I usually try to keep my site safe for work, but please be advised the contents of the following post are NSFW! 

No further adieu. . .

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Is She Fat Or Thick? Who Gives A F**K

Posted by NC17 on 5:42 PM

What’s the difference between thick and fat? Who decides when the PH replaces the F? The Answer is: Who gives a fuck. There is a debate in America over the weight of a woman, and what’s attractive and what’s not. Black people in general have become the punch line when it comes to a little more cushion for the pushing. Kristie Alley famously proclaimed her love for Black men after she lost her Cheers figure. Lisa Lampanelli’s entire stand up is built around Black men wanting to do her. In the past ten years or so White women have used this notion of big is okay because the Blacks said so, not necessarily as a racist joke, but as empowerment to be comfortable in their skin.  That's a good thing.

Black men do care about a girl’s size; we’re not breed to think bigger is better, but we do come from a culture where the big ass is worshipped. This whole notion of a phat ass with a skinny waist is not the norm, those are the exceptions. Food doesn’t go straight to the ass, and this entire Lola Luv, Nicki Minaj shit is brand new. When I was twelve and I saw a grown ass woman, she was a grown ass woman. I’m talking stacked, ass might be a bubble or it may be wide, wasn’t no Mel B abs going on, they ate chicken wings and French Fries and every nigga on the block was trying to fuck. When I did the blog on Is A Phat Ass Important, women were quick to point out they weren’t fat but phat. All that shit is subjective to a point. Niggas don't discriminate when the pussy's in their face. They show me pictures of the skinny girls in their phone, but they fuck and prefer bigger women. Don't front for me homie! My god brother would talk so much shit about big bitches; then he married a big girl, why? Because his ass fell in love with her. When you’re a man and you see a girl that’s pretty it doesn’t matter if she’s Hallie Berry’s weight or the old Jennifer Hudson’s weight. We live in a country where they put bacon on every damn thing, "Paris Hilton skinny" is the exception. 

Fat jokes are funny. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says, making fun of Precious was the best thing to come out of that movie. I just thought of two new ones while writing this blog. Black jokes. Jewish jokes. Any joke that offends in a creative way is funny. Let’s not get sensitive over it. But joking and actually feeling that way are two different things. One of the negative stereotypes about big girls is that they do anything for a man because they’re loyal to a fault. I’ve met some plus size ladies who have been suckers. But it has nothing to do with their weight, it’s their self-esteem. They let a dude like Piimphand spit game in that ear and the next thing you know she’s paying his car note. I’ve seen it happen. But the same shit happens to skinny bitches too. It’s about the person not the size.

My Korean homie and I were at a bar and a Beyonce video came on. This nigga said—“Beyonce’s pretty, but she’s still fat!” You can’t get mad at that comment. He has the right to judge what’s fat to him. Beyonce’s curves weren’t what he was in to. I’m sure when they were doing Dreamgirls that subject came up with the producers and Beyonce happily got her Lemonade Diet on so she could do the movie. I saw Toccarra in the market and didn’t know who she was, my girl said, “there go your Top Model boo” and I was like “huh”. She was malnourished and lost what made her sexy to me, I honestly preferred the old Toccarra to the new one, but I guess LA didn’t feel the same way. When the god awful Love & Hip Hop came out, I remember this girl talking shit about Jim Jones’s girlfriend, “Why is he with that fat bitch?”  I can say a lot of shit aboutMole’arella, but I would never come at her weight or question why Jim Jones isn’t with a stick. It’s a fucked up mentality to demand that celebrities give in to a superficial notion of what’s attractive.

I put my homegirl on my good friend. She came to me after the date and said, “Your friend called me fat”. I thought she meant “phat”. This girl has an hour glass shape. Big ass, hips, D cups and no stomach. So I said he must have been joking. She maintained that he was dead serious. She was laughing while telling me this, but then the next day she tells me how she ran 5 miles. He got into her head with one off handed comment and made this girl, who looked like she was drawn by Todd McFarlane, go overboard in the gym. I didn’t get to talk to him about any of this until three weeks ago. He told me, “I never said she was fat. I said bigger women like her are usually attracted to me”. I died laughing because he honestly didn’t think that was offensive. He was like, “You saw my exes, you know how they looked, I tend to want a girl as skinny as a rail.” He maintained that he was making an observation not disrespecting her. But even after saying all that he hit her up that night trying to get her to come over. It’s nothing wrong with liking what you like and having a type. But don’t throw shade on women who don’t fit that description, then turn around and break your neck trying to get at them.

A guy in the club who dances with the biggest girl on the floor will say that he’s just trying to hit because she’s easier-- bullshit. That’s pure ignorance. Dudes make up so many excuses when it comes to dealing with thicker women as if they’re apologizing for the shit. At the end of the day, you’re attracted to something about her, your brain has to signal your dick in order for it to get hard. My cousin Keith, known throughout the streets as simply “The Boy” made fun of me because I took him to this club and it was all of these big girls there. I’m not familiar with Baltimore clubs, I live thousands of miles away, you wanted to go out, we went out. Sorry if I forgot to Google the average weight allowed into the venue. This nigga calls me when I’m back home and tells me, “Yo that’s like the best club in the city, you need to come home so we can go again” he was being closed minded, until some chubby chick threw it back on him, now he has a hard on.

No matter your weight, body type, or any of the superficial shit that society tends to dwell on. When it comes to plus size women we need to stop dwelling on the bullshit and create positive stereotypes. When you see someone that's thick, no matter if she's tall like Somaya Reece, or short like Snookie and Niecy Nash why go to a negative place? 9 out of 10 men would fuck despite what it says when any of them step on a scale. 

Dress Her Big Ass Off: Even big girls know what big girls aren’t supposed to wear. The comment “You know you too big for that outfit” is universal. But  most girls with a little more meat take pride in their wardrobe. They know how to dress their ass off, and rarely will you see shorty with a fucked up heel game. Miss Thick knows all eyes are going to be on her, but instead of being depressed and staying home, she’s out in the club working that bitch like it’s a runway, daring anyone to tell her she doesn’t look good.

Nasty Good Not Nasty Bad: Miss Thick is aggressive. She has real woman thighs and knows what she wants between them. The big girl blow job is legendary for it's awesomeness. College was the first time I experienced it. Me and my boy Cello would have long ass discussion on the subject of why they did it so well. I can’t explain it and I don’t care. If a few extra LBs gives a chick sexual confidence than they should hand out ham sandwiches in sex ed. 

She Don’t Give A Fuck: Calling Miss Thick fat isn’t going to make her cry, but telling a skinny girl she’s putting on weight, that’s liable to destroy her mentally. Miss Thick isn’t in denial, she knows how much she weighs, and if you think she’s fat and not thick— she’ll shrug and tell you you’re blind. Her confidence level absorbs all of those mean comments, and she can easily hit anybody with the classic, “But your man likes it”. And it’s probably true. Being smaller than someone doesn’t mean you’re better. Go ahead, sit there and talk about how much you love Jim Jones and how he would wife you up if he saw your sculpted body. He’ll probably fuck you; tell you it was fun, then go right back to his real bitch. That man is not judging a swimsuit competition, he’s building a family, character is more important than jean size.

This is the real world, not MTV’s version where the cast has to fit a mold, the actual one where people are built all kinds of ways. You can’t make everyone happy. There will always be someone calling Beyonce fat and saying Christina Hendricks from Mad Men is okay for a plus size woman. No girl should get depressed and say “he thinks I’m fat”. Fuck that nigga. It’s about what you think of yourself not what we think of you. If you’re not happy go to the damn gym. If you’re content with being big and sexy then fuck it, order a  cheeseburger with bacon and pour some ketchup out for Karen Carpenter.

Please Explain This...

While some of us were appreciating and laughing at Nicki Minaj's acting debut on SNL, others were displeased to say the least. In today's society Black-American women constantly complain about how badly they are portrayed...so why do they do things like this? The Black Republic posted this reflection on her performance. 

Laughing With Us or At Us?

Being the homebody that I am, last night I tuned in to watch NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” with guest host Jesse Eisenberg from ‘The Social Network’ and musical guest Nicki Minaj. I love SNL, but it’s obvious that it has been struggling since the brilliant Tina Fey departed in 2006 as head writer. In any case, I still tune in from time to time if I like the guests and to see if the show has gotten any better.

There was a particular sketch last night that had black folks a bit agitated on Twitter, which I personally thought was worthy of a few laughs. The sketch included newcomer Jay Pharoah and Nicki Minaj in what was a ‘black’ rendition of Frankenstein, titled “Bride of Blackenstein.”

As in the original, Frankenstein (played by Pharoah) creates a bride (played by Minaj) for his newly-created monster (played by Kenan Thompson). As the bride comes to life, Frankenstein’s monster gleefully welcomes his new mate while he (and Frankenstein) marvels at the new bride’s “assets.” As the monster expresses his happiness and plans their future, the bride goes off in a so-called ‘independent, angry black woman’ type of rant. Stating that she has no ring on her finger, the bride retaliates every statement that the monster makes regarding their relationship.

At one point, the villagers of the town burst into Frankenstein’s lab to kill the monsters. However upon seeing the monster’s bride, a (white) male villager begins to ogle at the bride’s voluptuous backside, drawing him to complain about his (white) wife’s rather flat behind.

The skit wasn’t super hilarious, but it was funny. Some folks claimed that it reinforced black stereotypes by emphasizing Minaj’s over-inflated rear end as well as the ‘you-don’t-own-me’ dialogue between the bickering monster and bride. Seriously?? Anyone who’s ever watched SNL will understand that the show’s purpose is to parody, mock, and criticize through humor any and all topics ranging from politics, to race, to pop culture and beyond.

I find it extremely obnoxious that our community can feel free to talk about any other race or culture in its humor (sometimes crossing racism), but will be the first in line to cry afoul of someone not black, making a joke about our people or culture. People need to understand the difference between someone laughing ‘with us,’ rather than ‘at us’ in the realm of comedy. Regardless of whether people thought the skit was funny or not, they need to understand that SNL was laughing with us.

Besides, it’s not as if every single black person is doing a service to the community when they participate in or support programs, artists, shows, media, or any other medium that sets back the community 100 years. Remember “Flavor of Love” or “BET Uncut?” What about artists like Waka Flocka or Gucci Mane. I’m not saying that the community needs to make holier programming, or that everything produced for our audience needs to have a message. What I am saying is that people need to get off their high-horse and understand that sometimes it’s just all in good fun. And that maybe – just maybe – if we stopped continuing to support these so-called ‘stereotypical’ images in our culture, programs like SNL wouldn’t have anything to parody in the first place.

Check out the sketch from last night. What do you think?

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Food for thought. I whole-heartedly agree... 

Sex & Relationships

I came across this article while perusing Necole Bitchie's blog and loved it. I loved it so much I wanted share. It speaks volumes especially to the people of our generation (the 20-somethings). Enjoy! My reaction to it coming soon....

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Why Men Date Women With No Intentions Of A Relationship

by Dr. J on Wednesday December 8th 2010

Written by Dr. J

I’m convinced that the tragedy for women and relationships is not that they can’t find a date. Instead, the problem is the pseudo relationships they participate in sometimes years at a time.  Nod your head in agreement if you have a friend who has been in a pseudo relationship with a man for a few years and there’s no sight of a title coming her way.  She has an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy, and everyone but her knows he’s never going to wife her down. There might even be a few of you reading this article right now.

I could give you a list of reasons why men don’t commit, and you’d probably say I was lying or just telling you what you wanted to hear. But why not just tell you why I did it?  Let me be clear, I’m not a jerk, but I’m a man who has the right to date a woman and choose not to be in a relationship with her.

I was previously in an unhealthy relationship that left me bitter for a while; so I wasn’t looking for anything serious.  After a while, my friends told me, “We don’t even think you really like women anymore.”

I can’t have that!  So I started dating again…

She was okay, I didn’t like her as much as she liked me.  I probably wouldn’t be dating her if other situations in my life had worked out.  That’s sign number one; I wouldn’t call her my first choice. But she would do for the time being.  While I dated her, I got what men like to call a sense of security.  Men will date a chick and consider her home base.  In my mind, I had someone I was dating so I was able to take more risks to meet and date women who might have been out of my league.  But, if all else fails, I had her to fall back on.

She was a nice girl, but something about her told me that I wouldn’t want her to be my girlfriend. She just didn’t have “it,” which is sign number two. No man can really define “it,” but they know it when they see it.  She was good looking, she was well-mannered, she wasn’t crazy, she was a lot of fun, but at the end of the day she didn’t have it.  I think my definition of “it” is, the power to make me stop looking for other options.  I was convinced that I could do better.

The funny thing was, I was meeting and going out with other women, but none of them were making the time or putting in the effort like this girl.  It was odd that I decided to chase a couple other women around, when I had a girl who wasn’t trying to give me the run around.  But it made perfect sense to me.

1)      She put absolutely no pressure on me to wife her down.

2)      She asked me very few questions about things I did in our time apart.
3)      She was very pleasant and always down to have a good time.
4)      She was freaking reliable and dependable.

And here’s why it made perfect sense; she did all this because she didn’t want me to think she was crazy or possessive. Her goal was to get a man to be with her.  She allowed herself to be in this situation because it was better than nothing at all.  The worst part of it is I knew that.  One of her friends probably told her, “If you start pressuring him or being annoying, he’s never going to wife you down.”  They most likely told her that as soon as she started trying to hold me accountable for things like last minute cancellations or disappearing acts, I would likely stop calling.

Eventually, I told her I thought we should stop seeing each other because, although I liked her, I just didn’t think she would ever be my girl.  I thought that she was looking for a relationship, and she was also too good of a girl to be chasing after me.  She respected that and we remain friends now.  Only reason I wrote this is because somebody needs to hear it from a man.  Every day and every week I’m hearing another story about some woman trying to analyze the actions of the man she’s dating, who won’t take things to the next level.  Most times, it’s because he has no intentions of taking it to the next level.  He’s not different, scorned, or scared; he’s just not trying to do it, and you’re not requiring that he does.